The Ships Have Come to Carry You Home

Our godmother died this past Sunday. We don’t really feel anything…yet… It’s not because we weren’t close to her, we were. I think it just hasn’t processed yet. And maybe we already said goodbye a while ago.

I don’t know. 

She fell and cracked a couple vertebrae, that was something she could recover from. Then my sister called to say she was in the ICU with sepsis and an infection in her heart. She was unresponsive for 3-4 days, and then barely. Even though everyone seemed hopeful that she would pull through, we didn’t. I know she’s a fighter and has survived things that no one expected, but this was different. This felt like the end.

We didn’t go to see her.

We made her a bracelet and tried to make it a prayer for her recovery, or at least a painless death. It’s on our alter to Artemis. Part of us wonders if we made it sooner would things have been different, as if her life was totally in our hands. Or if we were better at focusing our energy and intentions.

As if we controlled life and death.

The last time we saw or talked to her was in November. Tim hadn’t met her yet. We had just become self-aware. Recently we thought of asking her about the stories we used to tell when we were 7-10 years old. She was the only person we shared them with, the only person I think we felt completely safe with. I think we knew she would take care to not hurt us and to protect us, that’s how she was. I know the general idea of what our stories were about: we were a princess who had to save her kingdom and weren’t about to wait for a prince to come along to fix things. But I don’t remember any details. I know she remembered them, she mentioned them a lot.

But we never asked.

The funeral is on Monday. I don’t know how it’s going to affect us. Should we bring the bracelet and bury it with her? I don’t know. I wish we had asked about the stories, about us. Maybe she would have been able to help us figure out some things. She’s the only one we felt safe asking.

But that chance is gone now.