[Flusterette]

I can relate… Sounds like you’re doing what you’ve gotta do.

I’ll try to think on your initial topic question; I used to benefit from being more spiritual & witchy.

I guess… so far, my mind gravitates towards a grounding ritual with sensory aids (incense, dance, meditation music, spending time with crystals/stones or special objects), but I don’t know if that’s helpful for you.

I’m so inconsistent with spirituality, I feel like a bad person to be offering input. And it’s sometimes like I’m a bit of a blank slate in some ways after a fusion, which seems strange to me. My connection to spirituality is ‘there’ one day, ‘gone & forgotten’ the next. I’ll ebb and flow like that; I haven’t been “into”/connected to spirituality for over half a year.

Though, I’ve just started something called “The Inner Bonding Workbook,” and it’s spirituality-friendly, kind of like shadow-work. So maybe I’ll start getting in to things again.

You’re also inspiring and motivating me. So please feel free (if you want) to share your ritual as it develops.

It’s good you’re holding on to ritual and spirituality, especially to help you during this time. It’s something I know would benefit me.

Thanks for your original post. It’s proving to be thought-provoking, and I’m thankful for the opportunity to think on how I could be more holistically and spiritually supporting myself.

[Flusterette]

I used to be a bit into witchy things, but it’s been awhile. So I don’t have anything to actually contribute, though you’ve given me food for thought. And I hope that your fusion is going ok. It’s always weird adjusting.

[Flusterette]

TW: trauma scene; murder, blood, mention of self-harm. Psychotherapy (in case that’s a trigger?)

“The Silent Patient” – Alex Michaelides

I don’t normally read novels, but I blasted through this one in maybe two sittings. I can’t remember much about it, as memory issues are a problem. Plus, I liked it so much I mailed it to a friend. So I don’t have it anymore. I just know I really liked it.

[Flusterette]

Pro-/Con- Lists are helpful.

You can tailor them in many ways for all kinds of applications. They help to balance out logic vs emotion, and thus guide you to making a decision that’s right for you that meets the best of both worlds.

Sometimes on reflection, my emotional needs are not as important as my logical needs and I make a more wise/mature/balanced decision or compromise that I ultimately am more proud of because it balances the Pros and Cons.

Sometimes, despite all logic, my emotions are more important and I know I need to follow my heart, but at least I am aware of what to watch out for, and compensate for, to help make following my heart work out to its best.

Like, I might look at a Con for something I want to do — is it able to be addressed and turned into a Pro (or at least a neutral)?

In that way, Pro-/Con- Lists are useful for problem solving, checking the facts, coping ahead.

When struggling psychologically, emotionally and physically, and it’s getting in the way of being able to do what I want, I try to fight the urge to just give up. I try to use the “HALT” Skill where:

H=Hungry/Hydrated? (pretty self-explanatory)

A=Angry? (or ‘negatively’ emotional, like sad or depressed)

L=Lonely?

T=Tired?

— If one of those letters needs attention, I make efforts to reprioritize to address them, and remind myself that such self-care can help make me feel better. Then it’s often easier to return to other tasks.

The “Just Right” Task/Challenge

There are days I have little functional capacity. I’m having one of those days today, have been for a few days. Today, I had it in me to maybe not do the big tasks I had hoped for, but several smaller littler easier tasks with little breaks in-between.

Sometimes that can be: setting a timer for 5 minutes while working on a form that gives me anxiety. And stopping after that 5 minutes to do something else (or rest) for 15mins.

I might go back in for another 5 minutes. And no matter what happens, at least I’ve tried to do something.

Writing this was my “Just Right” Task, instead of vacuuming and dusting.

Yes, being online here is more ‘leisure’ than not, but it afforded me a chance to look at some skills I’ve got lists of, too, and see if I can apply any of them to my issues today, and it made me feel helpful to someone else (you) which improved my self-esteem a bit.

I was feeling a bit Lonely, so I justified being on here as tending a bit to that need. And now that I’ve done it, I feel more calmed down and ready to try to take on another task.

Yesterday, I had to give myself a nap (even though I hadn’t done much all day), because I realized everything was ticking me off and I was exhausted. But, then I was able to make myself food, do dishes, and fold laundry. Had I not napped, nothing would’ve happened, or I would’ve rage-tasked (which is not optimal for me).

Task Bundling / Rewards

This is because Adulting is annoying sometimes, so you have to find your way to make peace with what you have to do.

Suppose I want a chocolate. Instead of giving myself the chocolate easy-peasy, why not try to bundle a task in with it to make it a reward, and then feel extra-good about it?

Like, “I have to get up to get the chocolate. On the way, why don’t I do something I’d rather not do like a chore or task, and make the chocolate the end reward?”

Or, “I really hate cleaning my room. I’d rather listen to music. Why not put on music and let myself feel uplifted by it, focus a few minutes on letting the music soothe my mood, and then try to do some cleaning while I’m listening to music?”

Consider looking up “Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Techniques” and “Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Techniques.”

They won’t always apply, or come to mind automatically, but slowly with more review and practicing using them, your brain will slowly learn to approach things with new techniques in mind that better help you to live your life.

I recommend them because, in my years of seeking treatment, these seemingly simple and obvious skills have had a huge impact on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness… and generally have helped make life easier to want to live for.

The skills have helped me with “reparenting” myself, and with adulting.

[Flusterette]

Rainy days I might spend time grooming my cats, painting, journaling, reading. I might cook or bake. Maybe meditate or relax listening to meditation music or something of the sorts. If it’s a heavy rain, I might just look out the window and enjoy it. Earl Grey tea feels like rainy-day remedy, so does burning candles and having a hot bubble bath. I might video game a bit or watch tv, probably surf around on Socials quite a bit and this forum.

[Flusterette]

I think it’s a no from me, but here is just my humble opinion:

On the one hand, the C S Lewis’ quote is often used in context of religion (Christianity from what I can gather after a quick Google).

On the other hand, the Stephen King book sounds more like an epic to obtain something.

I think it’s completely different symbolism, unless you’re referring to the fact that the power of the talisman is for the protagonist to use on others (“giving them,” the receiver, the talisman’s power).

The thing for me is: you can definitely have something in your possession and never give it away. You cannot ‘truly rightly’ give something away if it is not yours (it’s just regular theft to do so if it does not belong to you and wasn’t yours to give), so there’s a kind of literal truth to what C S Lewis says.

However, it’s undeniable that in The Talisman: they who possess the talisman can use it, and not those who do not have it cannot use it.

[Flusterette]

Man, toughie of a question.

Who would I be if I wasn’t the way I am? If I just magically could be whole and healed? That’s the goal for me, but no pill has worked perfect for anything… depression, anxiety, somatic pain. I can’t imagine trusting a magic pill cure.

It sucks to be at a point of psychologically-based disability due to trauma. But it’s part of my reality.

I think having to deal with the process of healing is important, as much as I wish the healing journey was OVER already. I’d hate for that process to be neither here nor there; risk being called “treatment-resistant,” and just pill my way out of it.

Interesting question, as I’m being forced to ascribe value to my issues to an extent. Very thought provoking.

[Flusterette]

Welcome! I’m mid-late 30s and call my 3 cats “Kitty committee” so I really love your name hehe

[Flusterette]

Hey there,

I can definitely relate. Going on 38 this year, and in a similar state of being. As for feeling like a dinosaur, slowly I’m noticing I’m more out of date with my understanding and usage of tech/apps/etc. You have my empathy; it’s funny getting older.

[Flusterette]

I am a self-Dx’d OSDD system, based on my experiences. I have very poor System communication.

I can sometimes hear the distant crying of a young child in my head, and sometimes there’s emotional bleed-through. I’m able to speak to/with the child and comfort them. Fronting used to occur, and has happened once recently involving a letter to my therapist where I disclosed the names of system individuals.

I have awareness of the names of several individuals of my System, and memories of some of them fronting.

I know one is like a gatekeeper who works more beneath-the-surface. Mecca, spider-like (literally used to appear in my dreams as a spider watching me) with connection through web to all the System individuals, memories, and alter creating. I remember the first time I learned the word ‘Mecca,’ and feeling that finally some core part of me had a name for herself that described what they are. And Mecca can kind of semi-front (feels more like a submarine popping up a periscope into the consciousness of whomever is fronting, to take in the way whomever is fronting is living, to get data for another Alter they’re working on once it’s been decided that the current fronting Alter isn’t able to sustain a thriving existence).

As I’ve become more integrated, Mecca hasn’t needed to consciously create new identities. I’m kind of lacking a full identity at the moment, very slowly getting stable enough to authentically explore myself. Depersonalization and derealization, on top of lots of dissociation and fatigue, have been issues contributing to a lack of a sense of Self.

I occasionally try to meditate at getting better communication with other Alters. There’s a voice that I can kind of communicate with, but I feel like I can’t tell if I’m just making it up. It feels like an inner voice communicating its own thoughts; I’m not taking time to think of and construct responses, the voice just knows what she thinks/feels.

However, interestingly, I get the voice of a young adult male sometimes. Loud as day inside my head, saying just “Hello.” Usually when I’m half-awake, which naturally leads me to thinking its a weird dream phenomenon. Happened again this morning.

But I previously only knew of females in my System. So maybe it is just dreaming? Feels quite differently to dreaming, despite my admitting to being in that semi-awake state.

I used to have better communication with my Alters when I was more fragmented and I used cannabis (legal in my country). It helped bring down barriers to my consciousness and the consciousness of the others. But now I cannot use it.

Physical forms of communication aren’t necessary in my System. Though perhaps I’ll try more automatic writing after connecting with the child identity.

I don’t know if it’s an OSDD thing, given that there’s no amnesia, and feeling blendy occurs, but it’s hard to sometimes say if it’s me, my imagination, or an Alter. I’m trying to lean into it being an Alter, but I feel still phobic of accepting the different identities in me. Particularly if one is male, I find that very awkward for me to accept.

I’m going to try to talk to my Therapist today about the male “Hello” that happened again. But even my therapist seems a bit dismissive of the extent to which I think I have “identities” (versus that my therapist is ok talking about singleton IFS parts). So that kind of annoys me. But maybe I need to better self-advocate; he’s an otherwise wonderful Therapist I’d never dream of leaving.

I find I think more about communication when my dissociative symptoms are at their worst because I usually feel like I’m caught in a stasis of not functioning, and I wonder what I can do about it. When I’m not dissociating, I’m more about functioning and exterior Self-discovery.

Anyhow, kudos to anyone who reads all this. I’m just not sure how my experience stacks up with folks’ notions of being a System and trying to have communication.

[Flusterette]

I can relate.

Sometimes I schedule it into my phone’s calendar as a reminder to “consider” trying to do something, and I’ll set it to repeat was often as I want.

Just to put it in my mind’s eye a bit more, and as an exercise to challenge my avoidant behaviour, using some DBT and CBT skills.

Even just try visit a forum, not necessarily committing to commenting or posting.

Unsure if something like that could be of help.

I wish you luck in finding and learning to sustain a sense of safe connection.

[Flusterette]

I’m from Ontario, Canada, SW of the GTA (Greater Toronto Area).

I’ve been to NB and it was really beautiful ???? It was a stop on a road trip down East and back, about four years ago this September.

[Flusterette]

Tarot sounds like a good idea. Hopefully it offers some guidance.

Hmmm, if Maxi fused, I can understand it feeling a little wrong to use their Shadowbook. But I can also appreciate why it might wind up feeling a bit “so right.” In your own time, you’ll decide what feels right.

It’s okay to feel conflicted, too.

Nothing is straight-up easy with fusions; often things are bitter-sweet, and that’s just the nature of life. I think sometimes that emotions are double-edged swords like that; can’t have the good without the bad, and navigating the grey-zone (and developing skills to make peace with it) is what really feeling is all about. Which sucks sometimes, but that’s the price of the whole package; life isn’t all good all the time, and healing involves making peace with the true natural spectrum of emotional range. At least, that’s been my lesson to learn, after stuffing away emotions for decades.

Sometimes, what feels uncomfortable is what we need to get comfortable with. But obviously: sometimes definitely that is NOT the case at all! lol! That all being said: there’s no sense rushing what doesn’t feel right.

Hopefully some Tarot will help with honing into your intuition.

It’s exactly like having to learn yourself all over again, and that’s difficult for anyone to wrap their head around enough without even having to live through it themselves. Let alone that each time is a little different. And that it’s hard to even come close to comparing between individuals. But: I feel you.

It feels strange to me that it’s hard to learn one’s self; it seems it should be straight-forward to be “of one’s past selves,” but to become a new self is a bit like how a child is of their parents and raised by them –yet a complete different individual. Anything remotely like that going on inside of you is powerful stuff, and all I can say is: it does get easier.

Hang in there. It just takes time.

I’ve found that at first, it’s really discombobulating. But that after enough time and fusions, subsequent fusions are eventually like “a few more drops in the bucket” — it’s a change, but easier to ride out the adjustment. But that’s just speaking for me, and I think I ‘only’ have/had OSDD.

I don’t get too many memories now, but I empathize. I am getting a lot of emotional flashbacks, though. Freaking movies and tv shows bringing me to tears, and trying to healthily accept and manage complex emotions when I want to just stuff them away is proving to be a heck of a learning curve. I had to turn down plans today because of just being too emotionally triggered and volatile.

Be kind to yourself, and don’t be afraid to be protective or have boundaries about being social etc. You may just want/need time to yourself some days. Routines are good, if you can manage them. But honour your needs: you’re going through a big thing.

*Big hug vibes*

[Flusterette]

Welcome to you! I hear you on ADHD giving lots of interests – haha right on!

Wishing you all the luck with your care team as you navigate the diagnostic process and the road of treatment.

[Flusterette]

Thanks! I’m hoping to pop in a bit at the zoom meet-up later today. See you then!!