Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

Hyper-focus

t-e-c
October 5, 2024
No Comments

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder, #done, #focus, #saoirse.t-e-c

Hi, my name’s Saoirse, and being able to hyper-focus is my superpower.

It’s also my downfall.

I’ve always had the ability to put everything else out of my mind to Do The Thing. It’s a big part of why we’re so successful in our career. I can sit down with a complex 1000+ page technical manual, do almost nothing but read and sleep, and absorb it cover to cover. That’s why I’ve been able to amass a large collection of professional certifications over the years. It’s also why school has always been extremely boring for me. I can sit down, read the textbook over a weekend, and never need to crack it again.

Yes, I have periods of amnesia. Sometimes large ones. But if I’m me, my memory of what I was focused on is excellent. (Sadly, if I’m not at least co-conscious, it seems a lot of that information becomes unavailable to the system as a whole – not everyone can do our job, for example.) Sounds great, you say?

There are problems that come along with this.

I will forget to eat, to sleep, to shower, to change clothes – if I’m in the zone, that’s all that exists for me. I’ve literally gone into the office one morning, and not realized how much time has passed until people start coming in the next day. I will work 30+ hours straight sometimes.

I don’t take good care of our body, because its hardly ever the thing I am focused on. Food? Oh yeah, I’ll do something quick and easy so I can get back to The Thing. That could mean a snickers bar and a coke if I’m in the office, or a DoorDash delivery of some kind if I’m at home. And yes, I forget the DoorDash delivery all the time. I’ve eaten a lot of two hour old Big Macs.

I’ve tried various tricks like setting alarms on my phone to snap me out of it, but have had limited success. If I’m focused on something, that’s just the center of my world until its Done, whatever that means. Then I’ll normally crash, totally exhausted, and be unable to do all the normal little self-care things.

That’s why its admittedly not the healthiest for me to be the primary one who fronts. My focused Thing will remain in place until its Done, no matter how many times I switch out, or how long it takes. Once I’m locked on a target, I’m usually locked pretty hard. And unfortunately, that Thing may not be useful or even healthy.

And that’s why I’m a workaholic. Because let me tell you, its a lot more useful to be locked on to a work project than a Random Topic or Memory. I usually have an excellent memory of when I’ve been the one fronting. Unfortunately, I’m also a trauma-holder. Yes, sometimes I’ll get locked onto Trauma, and my mind doesn’t give the Done signal until I’ve thoroughly relived it. It’s really shitty.

One of the overarching Things I’ve been focused on the past few years is being host of our system. And of course, being me, I don’t half-ass it, because I frankly don’t know how to. I stepped up to full time host when Janet stepped down. On the good side, we’re more financially stable than we’ve ever been. On the bad side, yes, I suck at self-care. There is now kind of a revolt internally, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be elected to the new council. That would make it incredibly hard to be the primary one who fronts, at least for me, so I think I’ve finally reached the point that I’m Done trying to run with day to day life.

I’ll still do most of our Day Job. I kind of have to as that information is largely in my brain and not spread throughout the system. And I’m not saying I won’t get hyper-focused on work, I will. But other than work, it’s now everyone in the system’s responsibility to take care of Everything. It should have been all along, but I tried to shoulder it all. That was not healthy of me, and frankly, it was not healthy for the rest of you to let me struggle with it for so long. You want self-care to improve? Do it yourself, don’t give me shit about it. I’m Done.