We’re going to the World’s Faire, but not in our body
We’re leaving all semblance of reality behind
Soon we will simply float, unmoored to the life around us.
We are hollowing out from our inner cores.
There is no light, no hope.
Some here are trying to create more core memories.
Ones of yellow and light.
But they do not fill the chasm that has eaten our soul.
We pick up a core memory from the past year.
I can feel a ghost of a smile upon our lips.
We felt really happy in that moment.
But let the memory play, and you realize how fleeting a moment can be.
It is said that it takes 10 positive things said to you to counter balance out a single cruel or negative statement.
If that is true, there is no hope for us.
Our heart shall always remain hollow, with marbles rolling around, never finding a home or sense of belonging.
Not one of these orbs will find themselves a place of recognition beside our other core memories, as no-one can understand the flavors.
We know sadness.
We know pain.
We know loneliness.
“It is better to drink of deep griefs than to taste shallow pleasures”
When we have 13/14ths of our life represented by core memories like that, brief glimpses of happiness feel like a knife digging our veins out of our arms, or as an ice cream scoop sinking into the socket of our eye.
I want to feel happy, really I do.
But why is it so painful?
I hate being in pain.
I hate the feeling of waiting.
Waiting for the pain to end.
Waiting until I can return to sleep.
That’s all we want to do again.
Sleep.
Sleep and never awake.
To be Aurora, but without the interruption to our existence-less eternity.
It’s probably a good thing we’re not alone anymore.
It would be a lot harder to force ourselves to keep existing if we didn’t feel like we’d cause more problems by being gone so abruptly.
So what does that mean for in the future, when things are more in order and it would be less of a burden for us to just…disappear?
Logically, I know it means that we best be solidifying as many happy memories as we can.
But emotionally, I just want to sleep.
Sleep, and drift away into oblivion if and when there comes a time when us leaving to go to the World’s Faire would cause far fewer problems than remaining here.
I know that such a situation won’t happen for a long time, which is likely the reason no one around me has pushed me out of front yet. But if that situation did occur…would they be able to stop me?
Or would I make it, gazing up to the sky as I fall backwards into the chasm…?
Would my eyes remain open, gazing up into the fissure of stars above my eternal resting place as I entered it?
Or would I allow my eyelids to shut, and think about the people I already miss?
Would I hope that they are not angry with me? At this moment, I most certainly am worried about that…though, I also feel stupid for that. After all…I’m not leaving now. And I do genuinely hope to gain enough to someday not want to cast myself into oblivion. But the only thing that’s preventing me is the feeling of falling from the fissure causing a greater burden for the stars remaining in the sky.
Is that even an accurate thought?
I don’t want to poke at that too much, lest I encounter my other difficult conundrum.
I know us not existing would make those other stars far above me weep.
Why?
Why do they care?
I’m no good for anyone.
“I want to go to the World’s Faire”
No…I just want to stop hurting.
I don’t want to make those stars sad.
But then that means I need to figure out how to stop being so hollow.
And I have no clue where to start.
If I must cross this chasm rather than descend to its embracing depths, what steps must I take?
I already am to my limit with pain…anymore, and I’ll fall in whether I want to or not.
I have already been a falling star once, taking others with me.
But the next time it happens, I fear it will be far less symbolic.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how to keep this up.
I’m just so tired.
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