Believe it or not, that last post was written in a stream of consciousness, without any real editing. That’s pretty much a raw view of what its like sometimes in my head. <laugh> Twenty five years ago that would have been written out long hand in a journal while in a ritual circle. There would have been incense burning, and candles for light. These days, all that got typed in the dark, with just the light from the monitor. Hey, whatever works, right? Techno-paganism at its best.
One thing I had to face is that deep down, I’m more than my thoughts and memories. There is a special spark of Saoirse-ness that remained me, even when I dropped the entire bag of rocks. In fact, one of the questions FW asked me last night after the journey was, “If the rocks in the bag were your thoughts and memories, who, exactly, was holding the bag?”
Who indeed.
I don’t know if there is a Janet 2.0 floating around inside yet or not. I’m not sure there is – I still seem to have access to a lot of that memory bank. Maybe it will turn out to be like the two Sharons (there’s an older Sharon and a younger Sharon). They have a shared memory, and are not quite two separate alters…. but they aren’t exactly one, either. See folks, none of this stuff is cut and dried. It’s messy, especially the farther along we get in our journey. I wish there was a guidebook for this. “Advanced Healing from DID, 3rd Ed.” Wanderer probably has a copy, but its likely the Sanskrit version or something. 😛
So did I unfuse? Kind of? I didn’t know that could happen, but its like my mind has been through a strainer. The identity confusion I had went away. I may be a little different than I was before all this mess, but I’m still Saoirse, that I’m sure of. I’m who my system needs me to be. Because I do what needs to be done… and my system needed their Saoirse.